Baby Gates
No, I'm not talking about the Redmond multi billionaire during his formative pre-super geek years. I'm referring to those savers of skulls, those preventers of perambulating, those items which required yet another trip to the Evil Baby Empire - Babies R Us. (Queue the ominous music)

As young son Aidan has become more mobile during the eighth month of his young life, he's also discovered the stairs. He's mastered the stairs. He is drawn to the stairs. He is one with the stairs. He'll scramble over to them and, without any hesitation, begin his assent on Mount St. Staircase without any safety line or climbing harness. First standing up next to the first stair, he then puts his tiny but increasingly pudgy hands on the second to steady himself before he brings up first one, then both knees on to the first stair... and it's all uphill after that. With relative ease Aidan quickly makes his way about half way up the stairs then pauses to check to see if either his mother or I are behind him watching this great accomplishment. Which we're not - until there is a sudden gasp and a 'Aidan NO!' and a scrambling of parents making their way to the stairs to either bring him back down or act as the support team for Aidan's conquering of the acclivity.

As new parents we are certainly proud that our young son is so mobile and has quickly mastered going up the stairs (not coming down), however we are certainly apprehensive at the same time for obvious reasons. As a result we made a trek back to the Evil store this past weekend in search of a baby gate. We did think to measure the space for the length of gate that we needed prior to our leaving (only because Anya thought of it). Anya also had a coupon for some free baby monitor with purchase of $75 or more. Come on - you can't get out of that store without spending at least $100 so the $75 goal is nearly a joke. With measurements and coupon book in hand we entered the black hole of commerce which is Baby's R Us.

Making our way past the drone, 'I'm too good for this job but I was turned down for that DOT job where I could simply stand holding a stop sign so I'm stuck here for now' store employee and over to the baby gate section where we quickly discovered that, like with anything baby related, there are only 50 or so choices to choose from - each touting that if you don't choose it you will be doing a grave disservice to your small offspring and will forever be branded with the scarlet letter 'B' for 'Bad Parent'.

Personally, I didn't want to have to drill holes in anything in order to mount the gate. There are two choices for gates, destroy your wall and banister with a drill bit and screws or have a fairly secure but not rock solid pressure gate. I wanted the pressure gate. So now we only have about 20 choices, (Whew, cut down the options by half - we're on a roll.) Gates come in lengths, all of which are too short unless you purchase the 'optional' gate extender sections - which of course are not in stock for the gate you are interested in. Those which are in stock are for the gates you don't want - which is probably why they are still in stock as no other self respecting or child caring parent would even consider the model with the spiky, grounds protecting gate tops with the optional door bell, electric shock applicator and remote gate opener. Fake ceramic guard dog with realistic sound optional.

There were, of course, other parents looking for the same thing we were, gates long enough to fit the space but not requiring the drilling of wood. One father near by asked a good question - 'Why do we need a gate? Can't we wait until the child is at least crawling?' And I'm thinking - boy, sure, pull out the 'our child isn't even born yet' card. As his wife, girlfriend, mistress - whomever, couldn't argue the point - he was able to turn and run the other direction. Lucky son of a @$%$#$%.....

Which left my fine bride and I alone with one other expectant mother who felt she needed the gate now. We himmed, we hawwwed comparing gates, extension pieces and materials until Anya ventured down to the far end of the display rack to find one company who had gotten it right. A single purchase which included a latching, opening gate, with two extension pieces included and didn't require me to plug in a drill! Who'd of thought some company must have actually asked parents what it is that they wanted before turning out some products requiring the purchase of the 'optional' extensions. Amazing.

About that same time the expectant mother had made her way down the isle and was also now looking at the same model. I brought one down for her and two for us. Whew! decision made. On to find the 'free with $75 purchase' baby monitor - the criteria which we will now have far exceeded.

Making our way to the baby monitor section of the Evil Empire Store we find, after looking up and down, left and right and then back again, that the item is not to be found. I sucked up my male, never need directions, pride and tracked down one of the BRU drones to inquire as to the location of said item. 'They're at the register.' was the succinct reply without hardy looking up to see what yahoo was asking such a question. But of course! I should have thought of that! Inventory being held at the register, not in the actual location of all the other like items. It's pure genius! I don't know why all retailers don't do that. Just keep the inventory at the register - no need to actually place it on the floor to be found by your customers where they would expect to find the item. I'm sure that cuts down on the number of items being sold, less items being sold, less effort required to keep the items in stock!

I must be wrong. Upon reaching the register, manned by yet another 'I'm not sure what I want to do with my life - and all the gas station attendant drone jobs were already taken' employee I inquired about the baby monitors, providing the coupon book with description and picture of the item. It was ignored. The drone scanned the few items we had and rung up the total. I asked again about the baby monitor. 'Oh.' she replied, 'did you want one of those'?

Duh.

After indicating that I did infact want one of the monitor units the drone flew in to a near panic, calling for assistance as the item, although free, had not be rung up on the bill and now required special handling that they apparently didn't cover in drone school.

The lead drone came over to see what all the commotion was about and quickly replied that they were out of stock. 'That is a 'while supplies last' item' she stated coldly and moved on without further explanation. Nothing quite like Evil Baby Empire's management and customer service training program graduates. I'd hate to encounter those that don't make it though the two and a half hour course.

We completed our purchase and once again escaped with items totaling more then the $100 or less goal. Again.

At least they don't have a large talking giraffe - that might just put me over the edge.